What neurodiverse girls need to know about romance

Preparing Neurodiverse Girls for Romance

What really helps. What really matters.

Romance is one of those topics that can make parents of neurodiverse girls feel a bit panicky. Not because we don’t want our daughters to love and be loved, of course we do. But because we know how intensely they feel, how deeply they attach, how much they give. And we also know that the world of teenage and young adult romance can be confusing, performative, pressured, and at times unsafe.

What I want to say first is this: Your daughter already knows more about relationships than she realises.

At Rites for Girls, in our Girls Journeying Together groups, we remind girls of this again and again. Romance does not begin from nowhere. It grows out of everything they have already learned through friendship. Through trust. Through fallouts and repair. Through loyalty and disappointment. Through noticing who they feel safe with and who drains them.

Romance is not a separate skill set. It is friendship with added layers. And understanding this really helps, especially for neurodiverse girls.

Attraction is not enough

One of the most important things we talk about with girls is this: feeling a crush, feeling attraction, even feeling chemistry, does not mean someone is right for you.

Attraction is information, but it is not a decision.

When a girl feels drawn to someone, especially if that attraction is strong or sudden, we encourage her to pause and ask some grounding questions. Do I actually like this person? Do we have shared interests? Can I talk to them? Do I trust them? Is it safe to share my feelings? My secrets? Can I be myself around them, or am I masking? Do I feel more relaxed over time, or more anxious?

In our girls’ groups we say it plainly. A good romantic relationship is one where, as you get to know each other, you get to be your whole self. Not just the interesting bits. Not just the pleasing bits. Not just the bits that make you desirable. All of you. If you have to be different in order to be in the romance, then the relationship isn’t with you, it’s with a fake you. That’s not healthy.  And it’s exhausting.

The power of adult relationships

As parents, we sometimes underestimate how much our daughters learn about romance by watching us. Not from what we say, but from how we live.

They notice how we speak to one another. How we disagree. How we handle stress. How we repair after conflict. Whether apologies happen. Whether care returns. Whether power is shared or held tightly.

This is some of the most powerful education they receive.

And if one parent is not around, it becomes even more important that girls have access to adults of that sex who model respect, warmth, boundaries, and accountability. Grandparents, step-parents, close friends, mentors. These relationships matter more than we often realise. They create an inner reference point. This is how adults can be. This is how I can be treated.

We are their role models and create the blueprint for what they expect for themselves.

An ongoing conversation

Conversations about romance have greatest influence when they begin long before romance is a live issue in a girl’s life. Not as one big talk, but as many small, ordinary moments over time. Commenting on song lyrics in the car, talking about relationships in films or TV shows, noticing something that’s happening around you and wondering aloud about it. When we do this early, we signal that this is an open topic, not a taboo one. We show our daughters that questions about love, attraction, bodies, boundaries and feelings are welcome here. That we are one of the adults in their lives who can listen without judgement, panic or shutting the conversation down. And that they don’t have to wait until something feels urgent or confusing.

Five things neurodiverse girls need to know about romance

These are conversations we return to again and again. Some of the points need to be discussed in advance but can sometimes only really be understood once experienced.

1. Intensity is not the same as intimacy
   Many neurodiverse girls experience feelings very intensely. Crushes can feel all-consuming, urgent, or fated. That doesn’t mean the relationship is deep, mutual, or safe. Romance is not proved by obsession, constant contact, or emotional overwhelm. Learning to pace connection is important.
2. Being chosen is not the same as being valued
   Neurodiverse girls are often incredibly loyal, perceptive, and generous. This can make them vulnerable to mistaking attention for care. Someone wanting you, needing you, or leaning on you emotionally is not the same as someone respecting your boundaries, time, and inner world.
3. You don’t owe anyone access to your body, time, or emotions
   Many neurodiverse girls grow up masking, pleasing, and adapting in order to belong. In romance, this can show up as over-giving, staying when something feels wrong, or saying yes when the body says no. Consent is not just about sex. It’s about pace, pressure, and choice at every stage.
4. Confusion is information, not a personal failing
   If a relationship feels confusing, inconsistent, or destabilising, that’s not because you are bad at romance or you are too much. Mixed messages, emotional unpredictability, or power imbalance create confusion. Healthy relationships feel clearer over time, not more disorientating.
5. Romance should support your nervous system, not hijack it
   A good relationship helps you feel more like yourself, not less. More grounded, not constantly dysregulated. Neurodiverse girls benefit from learning to notice what a relationship does to their body and nervous system. Calm, dread, excitement, anxiety, safety… And to trust that information.

Some red flags to name clearly

It helps girls when we are not vague. Red flags are not accusations. They are patterns to notice.

• Feeling pressured to move faster than feels comfortable
• Being discouraged from other friendships or trusted adults
• Feeling smaller, more anxious, or less yourself over time
• Being told your reactions are wrong, too sensitive, or confused
• Constant emotional intensity with little steadiness or repair

None of these signs mean someone is a bad person. But they do mean something important needs to be checked.

You do not have to do this alone

This is perhaps the most important message of all. Romance is not something a girl should navigate on her own.

Girls need adults they can talk things through with. Parents. Caregivers. Mentors. Adults who are not judging, not panicking, not prying. Adults who ask open questions and help them think, rather than telling them what to do.

As parents, we can aim to be one of these go-to people for our child. Not the interrogator. Not the fixer. But the one who can listen and wonder alongside them.

With questions like:
How do you feel when you’re with them?
What do you notice in your body?
What feels easy here? What feels hard?
Who else knows about this?

And we can remind our daughters to check with their friends too. Friends often see what love makes blurry.

It’s also really important that we don’t talk about romance only in terms of risk. Having special friendships and romantic relationships can be intense, joyful, exhilarating and deeply meaningful, especially for neurodiverse girls who feel things so fully. Romance can bring laughter, tenderness, excitement, a sense of being seen, accepted, and those moments of happiness that light you up. It can also bring challenge, disappointment and heartache, and that’s normal too. No real relationship is all sunshine. There will be stormy moments. What matters is that the storms don’t become the climate. As parents, we can help by telling our daughters honestly that love is worth it, while also grounding them in the understanding that difficulty is part of the picture, but it should never be the whole picture.

Romance can be beautiful. It can be awkward. It can be stretching and joyful and painful. Preparing neurodiverse girls for it is not about fear. It is about grounding. About knowledge. About having people around them who can support their voyages into this new territory.

And about reminding them, again and again, that being themselves is not a risk. It is the point