The Myth of the ‘Nice Girl’

We raise girls to be good when they need us to raise them to be real.

Girls are being taught to be nice instead of being taught to be true.
And it is costing them their confidence, their boundaries, and their sense of self.

By the time a girl is ten, she has already learned the choreography:
Say sorry, even when nothing is your fault.
Smile, even when you’re uncomfortable.
Be agreeable, even when you’re not.
Make others happy, even when it costs you your own happiness.

We call it kindness.
But often it’s self-erasure, dressed up as politeness.

And then we wonder why, as teenagers, girls struggle to say no, to lead, to speak up, or to take up their rightful space in the world.  We wonder why one in four 14-year-olds have self-harmed, why teens turn to drink, drugs, and screens to numb themselves, and why girls try to eat less than they need.

Let me tell you a story.

The Girl Who Wanted to Say No (But Didn’t Know How)

A girl in one of our Girls Journeying Together groups once told me, “I can’t say no to my friends because it feels mean.” She was eleven. Eleven years old and already convinced that her comfort was less important than someone else’s approval.

One day, during a group activity, her friend insisted on working with her even though she really wanted to pair up with someone else. She hesitated, swallowed her real feelings, and said yes. Afterwards, she looked at me with tears building and whispered, “I didn’t want to… but I didn’t want her to feel bad.”

She didn’t want her friend to feel bad.
She didn’t even consider that she was allowed to feel anything at all.

This is the Nice Girl Myth in action. The belief that being good means never displeasing anyone. That kindness means compliance. That your own needs are negotiable.

And we, the adults in their lives, are the ones who teach it.

We model politeness, but girls copy our self-abandonment

Girls learn by watching. They see the way we soften our voice when we’re uncomfortable. They hear us apologising when someone bumps into us. They notice when we say yes to things we don’t want to do because “it’s easier than making a fuss.”

They absorb every lesson long before they hit their teens.

And when I ask teenage girls why they don’t speak up, do you know what they say?

“I don’t want to cause a problem.”
“I don’t want people to think I’m rude.”
“I didn’t want to make it awkward.”
“I didn’t want to seem too much.”

Too much for who?
Not enough for who?

Girls are contorting themselves into shapes small enough to be called nice.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth

A girl can be polite and still completely disconnected from herself.
A girl can be kind and have no idea what her boundaries are.
A girl can be “good” and still be shrinking.

And when we praise girls for being nice, we unwittingly reward them for disappearing.

“Good girls don’t make noise.”
“Good girls don’t take space.”
“Good girls don’t disagree.”

What do these girls become?
Women who apologise for existing.

So, let’s stop raising “nice” girls and start raising true ones

A true girl knows what she feels.
She knows what she needs.
She knows she can say no without being unkind.
She knows she can disagree and still belong.
She knows her voice matters – even when it’s shaky, even when it’s inconvenient.

That’s confidence.
That’s leadership.
That’s resilience.
And none of it grows from being nice.

What we can do differently today

Try this instead of “Be kind”:
“Be honest about what you need.”
“Be respectful, but be real.”
“You’re allowed to say no.”
“It’s okay if they don’t like your answer.”

Try this instead of “Be good”:
“Be you.”

Nice girls are easy to manage, yes.
But true girls grow into women who can change the world.

And I, for one, would like more girls who take up space, use their voices, and know they matter as they are – not as we trained them to be.