The Confidence Con: Why We’re Failing Preteen Girls

Everywhere you look, adults are telling girls to be confident.
Workshops, slogans, hashtags – you’ve got this!  We’re drowning in “girl power.”
And yet, talk to any twelve-year-old girl and ask how she feels about herself.
You’ll often find the same quiet uncertainty. The same apology before speaking.
The same shrinking, self-consciousness, fear of getting it wrong.

Confidence, it turns out, isn’t something you can workshop into existence.

We tell girls to believe in themselves, but then we raise them in a world that’s constantly grading, rating, ranking and scrolling them.
We praise their kindness and reward their compliance.
We call them “mature for their age” when they suppress emotion.
We tell them to use their voice, to speak up, but only if it’s pleasant, appropriate, not too loud, not too angry, not too much.

The truth is, confidence doesn’t grow in a culture that punishes authenticity.

Preteen girls don’t need more pep talks; they need spaces where it’s safe not to perform.
Where they can be messy, unsure, furious, funny, contradictory – and still be accepted.
Confidence isn’t built by telling girls they can do anything.
It’s built when they realise they don’t have to be anything other than themselves.

It’s time to stop saying “Be confident”
and start saying “Be real.”
Because when girls feel allowed to be real, confidence comes naturally – and it lasts.