Into her teens

You love aspects of watching her grow up but you worry that it is happening too fast.

You feel your daughter takes too much notice of her friends’ opinions.

You found adolescence painful and you want your daughter’s to be easier.

Something’s troubling her but she won’t tell you what.

You want to make her feel special when she starts menstruating – but you don’t want to embarrass her.

You feel like you’re losing her.

Every morning you promise yourself that you won’t lock horns with your daughter but still you do.

Monthly Moment Together

– once a month, every month, take some time out together, you and your daughter.

Take her to your favourite cafe, a good film, a country walk, your childhood home. Go swimming together, get your nails done, redesign her bedroom together, sky-dive. Tell her about what you admire in her, about your dreams as a teenager, about your mother, about your aspirations for yourself now. Above all listen to her. Listen (and if only for these few hours) without judging or guiding her.

Make a monthly date in the family diary – and let her know that she can rely on you to spend special time with her every month, whatever else is going on.

Make it a habit – an unquestioned habit that is never denied as a consequence of bad behaviour.

Do it whatever the emotional climate, however things are between you.

Do it when the last thing you feel like doing is spending time together.

Do it when you feel she doesn’t deserve it.

Do it even when you’ve had lots of other time together that month.

Do it even when life feels so busy that to find time seems impossible.

When the time comes, endeavour to time your ‘monthly moment together’ with the week that she is menstruating. We all know that feelings can be heightened around this time of the month, and especially if you have already established this monthly habit of spending time together, it can become an opportunity for emotional release and support. Arranging for your special meeting at this time of the month can also become a powerful acknowledgement between you of her status – that of being able to bear a child.

If you only take one thing away from this website – let it be this:
make a commitment to spending special time every month with your daughter.

It is deceptively simple, but extremely powerful.

Everything that is precious about your relationship will show itself here. Everything that is hard about your relationship will also surface here. No matter what, keep the ‘monthly moment together’ commitment going.

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5 or so comments

5 Responses to Into her teens

  1. Deborah says:

    Dear Kim, thank you for this, I have tears in my eyes when i read it. Today it seems the most peaceful way my 14 yr old daughter and I can relate is by us both being on our laptops at the same time in the same room. Can I let that be ‘good enough’. I miss her. When I’m not here she misses me when I am here she doesn’t want to relate. It’s hard – very different from parenting my son, now 19. So thank you for writing this and yes I will make a monthly special time commitment with her. Love Deborah

    • Kim says:

      Deborah, Thank you. When I’m writing I have an idea of reaching out with my words, but then with your comments you make it real. Actually, I wrote something today which speaks of something of what you are talking about: ‘Feel like you’re losing her?’ If ever you felt like writing about how your monthly special time goes, or sharing some ideas of what you both enjoyed, please visit the community.

  2. rainbowwarrior says:

    Thanks for this suggestion. We have tried to have a girls night in on a regular basis but we don’t put anything in the diary and then realise that we haven’t had one for months. I am going to aim for 2 moments together, one to go out when she is not menstruating and one to stay in when she is and have a duvet & movie share. I am going to put it in my diary.

    • Kim says:

      I think this is a great idea – a special night in when your daughter is menstruating. It teaches her in such a practical way to nurture herself around that time. Brilliant. Thanks for sharing it.

  3. Trish Robertson says:

    I am interested in coming with Emily,my 13 year old daughter to the trial session on March23rd in Forest Row and just wondered if you had any places left! Thanks so much Trish

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